#Changes: Back to School

I'm taking the first step to a huge change in my Life.  I'm gathering up some of my artwork and designs into a proper portfolio to submit to the Thompson Rivers University as part of my application for their Digitial Arts and Design Program. It scares me though.  I'm 40 years old, and I'm not altogether sure I'd be able to keep up with the younger students.  Not only that, but I'm worried about how they (at the age of 20) will perceive me as a 40 year old student.

But I'm mostly afraid of being told that I'm, "not good enough."  Failing.  Though, to be honest, if I don't apply, I'd already have failed, right?  The risk of failure (and success) is better than the certainty of failure.

And I'm tired of living with the regret of not completing my college education when I was younger.  Doing this, I can stand tall and say, "I did it!  I finally did it!"  Maybe then, I can shake some of this feeling that's been hanging over me for years of being a disappointment and a failure in the eyes of the one person who I've always wanted to be proud of me- my Dad.

 

He's never come out and said it, but I've always felt that he was disappointed in me when I stopped going to college... especially since I was the one of us three kids expected to get a degree of some sort.

 

Maybe doing this will finally lift some of that shroud, and put to rest some of the regretful ghosts that hover about me in my mind... and maybe break some of the self-destructive habits that have kept me from being completely me, and happy all these years.

 

I'm scared... but determined.  Get my portfolio ready, apply for a student loan, and apply for the program...

 

And step onto a path that I have been wanting to travel for close to 22 years... 

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#Holidays: Single on Valentine's Day

I'm not really a fan of Valentine's Day.  I don't hate it- I just don't really see the point of it... and that's not because I'm single on Valentine's Day.

Even back in my High School days (twenty plus years ago), I found it more exasperating than anything.  Every year on Valentine's Day, our school would hand out pink paper hearts to all the girls to wear.  If a boy got them to talk, they had to give the boy their heart.

I found it annoying, because I had to repeatedly tell girls that I didn't care about "winning" their hearts, because their not talking was getting in the way of accomplishing stuff in class when I was partnered with them.  Not only that, but listening to the guys talking about how many hearts they won often made me wonder how women were to win respect when such events encouraged men to see Love as a competition- with the man who has the most hearts the winner.  I found it a little distasteful, to be honest.

Though I'm sure my attitude probably frustrated- and possibly bothered the girls due to the fact that I displayed no interest in pursuing them on that day... after all, many of them were bragging about how many guys were trying to get their hearts.  As if that was a gauge to measure their popularity.  That was something else that bothered me about Valentine's Day back then, since (as my best friend can attest) I really didn't give much thought to being popular, and didn't really seek it out.

This annual High School event probably helped to contribute to my dislike of "relationship games" that people play... but that's another discussion.

But that's not the only reason I'm not a huge fan of the day.  I've been dumped on Valentine's Day (via answering machine), wound up having arguments with girlfriends, and even been cheated on during Valentine's Day.

All good reasons, I think- though the main reason is something much more fundamental: I don't need a "special day" to remind me to tell someone I love that I love them, or to do something special for them.  It's something I try to do every day, because I don't love them on just one day- but every day... so, I don't see the point of it.

And to be honest, I can also see why single people don't like the day.  For some reason, Society seems to think being single is a "bad" thing- a lonely thing- and that single people on Valentine's Day should be pitied because they don't have someone to share the day with.  Being single is NOT a bad thing.  I've been single for several years now (at least six years), and have been quite content.

Would I like to have someone in my Life to share today with?  Sure.  Do I need someone in my Life?  No, I don't.  I'm single on Valentine's Day, and happy.